


Virgin

by SaraStarchild



Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: Drabble, Gen, John Watson is a Brat, Mycroft is an enabler, Name-Calling, Sherlock Is a Virgin, Sherlock is a Brat
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-16
Updated: 2017-04-16
Packaged: 2018-10-19 19:48:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,266
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10646832
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SaraStarchild/pseuds/SaraStarchild
Summary: John's sick and tired of Sherlock insulting his intelligence, so he takes aim as low as he can go - Sherlock's virginity.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this back in December of 2012

As brilliant as John Watson thought Sherlock Holmes was, his arrogance and his snide remarks were a bit damaging to John’s ego. He didn’t have much of an ego – all he really had was the military experience and medal to show proof of that military experience, but Sherlock didn’t need to make such demeaning comments to further out-shine him.

“Do you even try?” he asked one day, after a particular comment that peeved John off enough to actually say something.

“Try? Try to do what?” Sherlock asked, not looking away from the ceiling that he had insisted on staring at that night.

“Are you actually _trying_ to be hateful? Or is it just part of you?” he asked.

“I never try to be mean, John, that’s just how you perceive it. You and everyone else,” Sherlock replied, rolling his eyes at the last words.

It took a moment for John to reply.

“Has it ever occurred to you that if what you say offends not only me but _everyone else_ then it might _actually_ be as offensive as I say it is?”

Sherlock closed his eyes and opened his mouth, as if he was about to say something human – as if he was going to apologize, or say something that justified all of his past remarks. But that’s not even close to what came out of his mouth.

“You talk too much,” he informed John. “Get out.”

“Get out?” John repeated, dumbfounded. “But this is our flat – I’m your flatmate!” he exclaimed.

“Yes, and I’m telling you to leave. I need to go to my Mind Palace.”

“Your Mind Palace? Now? But we’re in the middle of a conversation!” John reminded him, frustrated.

“Mind Palace!” Sherlock shouted, finally sitting up.

“Okay! Fine! Mind Palace it is!” John exclaimed, slamming his laptop shut and standing up to leave the flat.

“Leave the laptop here,” Sherlock ordered.

“Why? It’s _my_ laptop!”

“But I might need it!” Sherlock said, lying back down on the couch to stare at the ceiling.

“Alright, _fine!”_ John sighed, exasperated, leaving the laptop on the table before Sherlock. “Just don’t go through my files.”

“We’re out of milk, by the way,” Sherlock responded just as John closed the door.

He sighed again, and put both of his hands over his face. As fantastic as Sherlock was and how living with him had become a breath of fresh air since he returned from the war, living with a high-functioning sociopath was emotionally tiring.

* * *

As soon as John got his hands back on his laptop he spent the entire night google-searching good comebacks. He used his mind like Sherlock did for once; he memorized the best ones and kept them in his head, and dismissed the ones that were ridiculous. He went to bed at five in the morning thinking he finally had the one-up on the great Sherlock Holmes.

For the next few days, every comeback John used Sherlock had a better one for. It was as if he had gone through John’s history and thought of responses that belittled John even more. And the more John entertained that idea the more he believed that Sherlock actually did so.

He needed to one-up the one-up Sherlock had on him.

He had to use something which Sherlock couldn’t use, as well.

Maybe something Sherlock refused to see.

Or maybe someone. 

* * *

John sat in Mycroft Holmes’ fancy-looking office, twiddling his thumbs, looking around awkwardly, waiting for Mycroft to enter the room. After a few minutes, the door opened, and John turned around in the seat.

“John Watson, it’s a pleasure,” Mycroft said pleasantly as he approached John to shake his hand.

“It’s nice actually being here on my own accord for once,” John replied, jokingly, as he stood and shook Mycroft’s hand.

“It’s all for security’s sake, I’m sure you understand. Sometimes I’d like to have a private conversation without _him_ getting in the way,” he replied as they both sat down – Mycroft sitting at the chair behind the desk, and John returning to his seat. “Now, what brings my brother’s partner in crime-solving here?” he asked.

“Well,” John started. “We’re in a bit of an…ongoing dispute, to say the least.”

“Is he being insensitive?” Mycroft guessed.

“Very.”

“And you’re looking for a suitable comeback, yes?”

“One that works, yes,” John nodded. “You’re Sherlock’s brother; I figured you were my best bet to finally have a comment he couldn’t reply to.”

“You figured correctly, John,” Mycroft replied, grinning. “And I have the perfect comeback for you: all you have to do is remind him that he is a virgin.”

“…And why would I want to do that?” John asked. “That’s just as bad as the things he says – I want to get him to stop, not stoop down to his level.”

“But it shuts him up.”

* * *

 

And it sure did.

Every time Sherlock called out John's ordinary idiocy or anything of the sort, John would just inform him of that one fact that made being extraordinary seem like a bad thing. After a week all John had to do was utter the word “virgin” without even looking up from what he was doing and Sherlock would stop mid-sentence and sulk. Sometimes he would try to respond – try to return to his place on top, but he would grow too flustered to come up with anything good.

“What’s so great about sex, anyway?!” Sherlock shouted one of the times John brought up the fact that Sherlock still had his virginity intact.

“What _isn’t_ so great about sex?” John replied, smirking.

And this sent Sherlock to bed about five hours early. 

* * *

 

About a month after John started the virgin remarks, Sherlock, Molly, and John were in the lab, when the bickering began again.

“There must be something I’m missing,” Sherlock said to himself, rubbing his eyes. “I’m thinking so simply today!” he exclaimed, frustrated, as he leaned forward to look back in the microscope. “I must be associating myself with ordinary people too much…” he muttered.

“You should do that more often, Sherlock, you might get laid. Virgin,” John said, as Molly choked on her coffee across the room.

“I – I’m okay!” she called when John turned to see if she was okay.

“Not anymore,” Sherlock announced dully, not even looking up from the microscope. John looked back at Sherlock so quickly he almost got whiplash.

“What?”

“Don’t pretend you didn’t hear me, John, honestly.”

“You – you – _not anymore?”_ he repeated.

“That’s right,” Sherlock said.

“Who –?” John asked, still stuttering.

“That Sherri Harter woman down the street,” Sherlock shrugged.

“Why –? How –?” John sputtered.

“Because you wouldn’t shut up about the fact that I was a virgin and I think _everyone_ knows _how,_ John,” Sherlock said, looking up and facing John.

Molly had to leave the room.


	2. Alternative Ending

About a month after John started the virgin remarks, Sherlock and John were in their flat, when the bickering began again.

“There must be something I’m missing,” Sherlock said to himself, rubbing his eyes and leaning back in his chair, away from the computer. “I’m thinking so simply today!” he exclaimed, frustrated, as he leaned forward to look back at the screen. “I must be associating myself with ordinary people too much…” he muttered.

“You should do that more often, Sherlock, you might get laid. Virgin,” John said, not looking up from his book. There was a beat, and then Sherlock looked at John. John looked up from his book and back at Sherlock. “Yes?”

“Aren’t you a virgin, too, John?” Sherlock asked.

And that shut John up for a _long_ time.


End file.
